Thursday, November 3, 2011

Sabotage


Obviously, I stopped posting every day. True to my usual M.O., I sabotaged this endeavor in the most creative way. I, of course, needed a good space to spend November writing, so it seemed like a good time to rearrange our house. For a long while, we have discussed moving the bedrooms downstairs in our split-level house. We were living upstairs like it was an apartment; meanwhile, guests were sentenced to a room downstairs amidst the laundry and cats. There was also the unfinished office which just became a depository for things we didn’t know where to store. Our small living area upstairs served as office, playroom, and dining area. It was a mess, paper and Legos everywhere. The plan to participate in NaNoWriMo motivated the activation of the moving process. Minimizer that I am, I was in denial about the amount of work and time this project would take. It is much nicer to be sleeping downstairs and to have the living and dining rooms less filled with clutter, but it will take many hours and much effort to complete the process. It is already the 3rd of the month and I this is the first I have written. I still plan to do intensive writing, just lowering the goal a little. It would be too easy to give up,; that would be my usual reaction. But I am trying to not be so all-or-nothing. I want to put in the effort even if I may not do it perfectly.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Zzzzzz

Well, going out and then saying up late really took it out of me today. I didn't write anything until now. I went for a walk this morning at least; I thought it would do more for me. Anyway, another nothing post. Good night.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Writing High


Feelings of doubt have arrived. If I can’t even blog each day, how will I ever be able to write 50,000 words in a month? I can’t write. I don’t have a story to tell. I suck. Right on time, the critic shares its opinion. Time to sabotage before even beginning. I know that many of my character defects will surface during this process: procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, arrogance, etc. They all stem from a fear of not being good enough or its alter ego, fear of being better than. If I keep letting my fear of failure derail my efforts, then I will never see what I can accomplish.

I have wanted to write forever, but for me it is a painful experience. Recently, however, I am feeling a little high, like I have tapped into a new energy source. It is a little scary, like being on the verge of madness. That may be what is triggering the doubt. Staying in my usual low state of action is comfortable and writing is causing more synapses to fire. But inertia also works once the ball is rolling; resistance is what slows it down. I need to keep practicing, keep writing through the fear. Let the feelings come up and move through them. I just need to worry about the quantity and enjoy the ride. Leave the expectations behind.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Too tired

So again, I have nothing. I did start something that I hope to post tomorrow. Another day passed me by.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Time & Space

NGC 1365: Majestic Island Universe ©SSRO-South  
So this is the night when I have nothing. Ike took too long to fall asleep and I am at a loss. Today slipped away from me. Woke up late and ended up at the library, a black hole that sucked away the day. We borrowed lots of books on space and astronauts. Spent the afternoon reading them and then the day was gone. In hindsight, I did manage to complete a few tasks, but only at the last minute. I would blink and an hour would disappear then I was running out the door. So tonight, I have no story, not even any musings. Just nostalgia for the time passed.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Showing Up 2

I am so tired this evening I don’t want to post. I want to honor my commitment, however, to posting every day until the end of the month in preparation of NaNoWriMo. So here it goes, a brief check in, a few words. Goodness knows what will come out.

I was thinking after posting last night that some may question my habit of tagging almost every post with “recovery.” For me, anytime I practice self-care, I am doing something for my recovery; anytime I do something creative or take a risk, I feel I am doing my Higher Power’s will; anytime I share a little bit of myself honestly, I am working the steps. So, as long as I am showing up at the page, I am showing up for my recovery.

This seems the right time to say something about anonymity. I am not a representative of any Twelve Step program. All I am doing here is sharing how what I have learned in meetings, in the literature, from other members, has worked in my life. All I say here is my opinion and not necessarily that of any Twelve Step program.

Light in October


There is something about October; the light shines at some oblique angle and there is a crisp smell of sun on fallen leaves. Even in the Los Angeles of my youth, the scent of October would infiltrate the usual smell of exhaust. Here, in semi-rural northwest is the change is more dramatic: more earthy smells, more color. After the equinox, sunset, arriving earlier each day, stretches out longer giving us a few extra moments to pause and enjoy the glowing stratus clouds streaking the sky.

Today was a perfect October day. It was sideways sunny with a little chill. The turning leaves and grasses infused everything with autumnal hues. After a week of being stuck in the house with a cold, asthma and, on steroids, it was the perfect day to get my four year old out into the fresh air. A walk was in order. I packed a lunch and off we went. I thought it would be a short hike as Ike wasn’t too keen on the idea at first. I had a feeling he would come around once we were out and I let him choose where we were going. We ended up at Fort Flagler State Park and started on a trail that was marked as being only half a mile. I let Ike lead the way and we turned onto another trail that went to the Batteries along Port Townsend Bay. We ended up spending the entire afternoon hiking, exploring the emplacements, and watching the paragliders. It was like we were back on vacation. 


So now, I really want to start taking weekly hikes. There are so many wonderful places to explore nearby. Fort Flagler is definitely a park I want to get to know better. It felt good to be so present with my son and to do something where we get out and move. Exploring encourages interesting and imaginative conversations especially in a surreal place where Escher-like cement buildings with dangerous precipices grow out of the ground.