Obviously, I stopped posting every day. True to my usual M.O., I sabotaged this endeavor in the most creative way. I, of course, needed a good space to spend November writing, so it seemed like a good time to rearrange our house. For a long while, we have discussed moving the bedrooms downstairs in our split-level house. We were living upstairs like it was an apartment; meanwhile, guests were sentenced to a room downstairs amidst the laundry and cats. There was also the unfinished office which just became a depository for things we didn’t know where to store. Our small living area upstairs served as office, playroom, and dining area. It was a mess, paper and Legos everywhere. The plan to participate in NaNoWriMo motivated the activation of the moving process. Minimizer that I am, I was in denial about the amount of work and time this project would take. It is much nicer to be sleeping downstairs and to have the living and dining rooms less filled with clutter, but it will take many hours and much effort to complete the process. It is already the 3rd of the month and I this is the first I have written. I still plan to do intensive writing, just lowering the goal a little. It would be too easy to give up,; that would be my usual reaction. But I am trying to not be so all-or-nothing. I want to put in the effort even if I may not do it perfectly.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Feelings of doubt have arrived. If I can’t even blog each day, how will I ever be able to write 50,000 words in a month? I can’t write. I don’t have a story to tell. I suck. Right on time, the critic shares its opinion. Time to sabotage before even beginning. I know that many of my character defects will surface during this process: procrastination, perfectionism, impatience, arrogance, etc. They all stem from a fear of not being good enough or its alter ego, fear of being better than. If I keep letting my fear of failure derail my efforts, then I will never see what I can accomplish.
I have wanted to write forever, but for me it is a painful experience. Recently, however, I am feeling a little high, like I have tapped into a new energy source. It is a little scary, like being on the verge of madness. That may be what is triggering the doubt. Staying in my usual low state of action is comfortable and writing is causing more synapses to fire. But inertia also works once the ball is rolling; resistance is what slows it down. I need to keep practicing, keep writing through the fear. Let the feelings come up and move through them. I just need to worry about the quantity and enjoy the ride. Leave the expectations behind.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
|NGC 1365: Majestic Island Universe ©SSRO-South|
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I am so tired this evening I don’t want to post. I want to honor my commitment, however, to posting every day until the end of the month in preparation of NaNoWriMo. So here it goes, a brief check in, a few words. Goodness knows what will come out.
I was thinking after posting last night that some may question my habit of tagging almost every post with “recovery.” For me, anytime I practice self-care, I am doing something for my recovery; anytime I do something creative or take a risk, I feel I am doing my Higher Power’s will; anytime I share a little bit of myself honestly, I am working the steps. So, as long as I am showing up at the page, I am showing up for my recovery.
This seems the right time to say something about anonymity. I am not a representative of any Twelve Step program. All I am doing here is sharing how what I have learned in meetings, in the literature, from other members, has worked in my life. All I say here is my opinion and not necessarily that of any Twelve Step program.
Fort Flagler State Park and started on a trail that was marked as being only half a mile. I let Ike lead the way and we turned onto another trail that went to the Batteries along Port Townsend Bay. We ended up spending the entire afternoon hiking, exploring the emplacements, and watching the paragliders. It was like we were back on vacation.